Law & Order: SKU (Special Kitchens Unit)

In the kitchen justice system, dishwasher based offenses are considered especially heinous.

In Sydney, Australia, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Kitchens Unit. These are their stories.

*DUN DUN*

Hello there!

You may be wondering about the serious tone in the introductory paragraph of this post.

Today I created the following meme to distribute to my colleagues:

Allow me to explain.

I work in a corporate reception role for a large company. I work with a group of absolutely fantastic people and I really enjoy working within the company itself.

Sometimes though, certain incidents occur and I’m left laughing on the outside but completely WTFing on the inside.

I’m not complaining because these things make my day a little more interesting than it otherwise would’ve been. But also, I am complaining because trying to figure out ‘Why?’ is surely causing permanent damage to my psyche.

On a side note, if anyone from my workplace happens to actually be reading this, I do love you all. You make my days interesting and give me excuses to send dumb emails out. Those emails probably should’ve been pulled from circulation the minute I started sending them but you’ve all stuck it out and have even seemed to enjoy them. And I’m actually bloody stoked because sending said dumb emails has somehow inadvertently scored me a role in one of our marketing teams. So thank you all. I’ll miss the general shitposting that you’ve all allowed me to partake in as your friendly neighbourhood receptionist.

Anyway, back to the case in question.

The dishwasher technician stopped by yesterday because the poor machine was in fits. I swear I heard it let out a death rattle in the wee hours of the morning. It shook me. I’m still not even sure if resuscitation is a possibility. I feel like I’m just walking past a sad, abandoned corpse whenever I go in to make myself a tea (RIP in piece).

As my comment above indicates, the technician came and went, yet the dishwasher is still in a state. I decided to email Building Management to follow up on the status of our fallen comrade.

This was their reply:

***

Hi Katelyn,

We’re still working on this issue as the technician found the following lodged in the dishwasher:

• Tea bags
• Plastic spoons
• Tissues
• A phone charger cord

This has never been an issue before. We will advise once it is fixed.

Regards,

Building Management

***

Ok.

I have questions.

Firstly, who is doing this?

Secondly, are we living in some kind of alternate reality where putting tech accessories in the dishwasher is the best way to clean them?

Thirdly, and most importantly, WHO THE FLIP HECK IS DOING THIS?

Like, I’m not even mad. I’m too baffled to be mad. My brain can do nothing except consider the various reasons as to how a phone charger cord, of all things, ended up in a corporate workplace dishwasher.

Here are the potential conclusions I’ve come to:

1. Somebody has been watching way too many “OmG BEST! AND EASY WAY TO CLeAN YOUR PHONE’, CHARGER CORD!! CRAZY BUT WORKS SO WELL,!!!@;D” videos on their FB feed and has decided to put one into practice.
2. Somebody was having lunch with their phone charger cord and accidentally dropped it in the dishwasher as they were putting their dishes in. How this happens, I know not. But I guess it’s a slightly valid explanation.
3. Somebody is trolling the fuck out of everyone here and purposely put the charger cord in there with the intent to murder the dishwasher. Why, dude? All it’s ever done is help us. If you actually did this, you’re a goddamn monster.

Now, I’m not sure if we will ever find out the answer to why this has occurred. Further investigations will take place. Video surveillance may be implemented in an attempt to prevent further offences. This abuse will not be tolerated.

My only hope is that our beloved dishwasher gets the justice and the medical treatment it deserves.

Thank you for your time,

Kates

*cue credits and catchy outro track*

Law and Order, pls don’t sue me for using your intellectual property.